Japan: The Epicenter of “Cute”

As mentioned in the previous post, I haven’t blogged in ages for so many reasons. Now I hope to change that. Sitting on the train this morning mulling over and writing about what I had done in Japan so far was actually quite fun. So I hope I can keep it up this time!

I set aside two weeks at the end of June/ beginning of July for vacation this year. This was a time when I had no weddings or teacher trainings planned, and when tutoring would slow down. I had time to think about where to go, and was really stumped. Cambodia or Vietnam again? The U.S. again? Australia? Nowhere really nagged at me.

I thought about Japan because I have a colleague and some students there. I’ve been teaching my colleague Joe’s son English for almost two years via Skype; I also help him with other tasks with his Japanese English college students. Japan had never really been on my bucket list, but the more I thought about it, the more interesting it sounded to me.

I asked Joe if he and his students would be around then – there was no point just going to Japan on my own to travel. He said that they would be around and actually would be happy for a visit. I found a great deal on Malaysia Air (you know, the one that had one plane disappear and another shot down over Russia last year)? I didn’t do a whole lot of research – just let Joe know when I’d be there. He graciously has opened his home to me for as long as I will be here.

The flight to Tokyo was a red-eye through Kuala Lumpur. I had no idea how tired I was from preparing for this trip until I got on the first plane and slept through dinner service! I have never done that before, as I don’t normally sleep well on planes at all – much less by accident!

I arrived in Tokyo at 7:40 a.m. the next morning, completely disoriented, exhausted, and knowing little other than I was to go to Shinjuku to wait for Joe to finish work. I got some yen out of an ATM and found my way to Shinjuku via train. I honestly had no idea what Shinjuku was or what I would do there all day. Unlike previous trips, I “winged” my arrival. Not such a great idea, but thanks to Joe and his family’s hospitality, it’s all working out.

Shinjuku is a HUGE busy train station in the midst of a very large busy shopping area. I got out of the station and saw a McDonald’s – FREE WIFI!!! This was an exciting development for me. I had a meal and settled in to let Joe know I was there and figure out how to spend the day waiting for him. Unfortunately a completely crazy woman sat down next to me and proceeded to have an argument with herself about something quite serious. That just made the day more interesting, really!

The first thing I noticed about Tokyo was the crowd. I had arrived during rush hour so getting around with my wheelie bag was a bit cumbersome. I needed to ditch the bag and change into some cooler clothes (I was drenched from hauling that bag around). Meanwhile I found the Japanese Old Navy – Uniqlo – and did a little shopping. Scored some cooler clothes I’ll also wear in Bali. I went into a bathroom in the train station and changed clothes, found a locker, and locked up what I didn’t need for the day. The station was so big that I took a photo of where the locker was so I could remember. Technology is GREAT!

Besides the crowd, the second thing I noticed was how QUIET and orderly people are. They are polite and keep their voices down in public places. Also, the streets are immaculately clean; cars stop for pedestrians, and people ride their bikes on the sidewalk in special bike lanes. Pretty cool.

I hung out, shopped, ate and had a couple of beers waiting for Joe. I met him at a famous bar in Shinjuku called “The Dubliner” and we enjoyed a couple of pints, and then IT WAS ON! Joe picked up our pace and we were hot on the trail for food for his family’s dinner and the commute home. The supermarket was overwhelming, but I didn’t have more than a very few minutes to check it out.

The next 24 hours are a bit of a blur, as I was completely exhausted and drank a little too much wine with Joe at dinner 😉 But I was so happy to meet my student, his mother, and his little brother. This is the sign they have on their wall:

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I couldn’t have found a better family to host me 🙂

The next morning was an early one, as Joe has his big day at one of the universities where he works. I was in survival mode. The commute was a crowded rush of trains and I had to run to keep up with him at times. In his first class I met some students preparing for the TOEIC test (an English fluency exam that measures some rather odd skills and is used for job placement/ salary advancement). They were EXTREMELY shy to talk to me, but also seemed interested to meet me – maybe horrified?!? I don’t know. But it was fun sitting in on Joe’s class and seeing what he does here in Japan as an English teacher. (He’s a fabulous teacher BTW!)

Then it was off for the fastest lunch ever. I was almost in tears at lunch (don’t tell Joe) suffering from serious culture shock, exhaustion, a tiny bit of hangover (oops!) But I stuck in there through his afternoon writing class which only has two young men in it. I have been emailing these students (and the students in two other classes) as a “pen-pal” to help them with their written English, so it was great to put faces to their names. We talked pretty much the whole class about everything you can think of, and had a lot of laughs.

Joe mentioned that if I wanted to hang with him for the rest of the day, it meant that I would have to stay on campus until 6:30 and then go to a “drinking party” at his other university. I told him there was no way I would make it that long – I needed to go back to his house and basically pass out (I think he thought I would go do touristy things but that was clearly not going to happen). I was SOOOOOOOO tired. He gave me excellent directions back to his house via train (the trains here are awesome) and the combination to his house lock – minus the numbers, just the keyboard pattern.

I got to the first subway station with no problem, then couldn’t find ANY maps with English names of stations on them. Doh! Seriously walked around scratching my head for about an hour. Then I just guessed how much the fare would be and used Joe’s written directions to get on the next train. I must have paid the right amount (or over-paid) because I made it to the station! Took at taxi to his house, then roused the whole neighborhood by setting off his house alarm ☹ I was so embarrassed. Thankfully a neighbor called Joe’s wife who explained (very differently than Joe’s directions) how to do the combination. She is a gem – not just for that!

Joe’s younger son who I don’t work with yet came home from school around 6:15 (late for a little guy, right?). I’d had a shower and a nap and was feeling good. I kind of thought he would think it was weird that I was the only one home, but this little friend is about as outgoing as you can imagine a kid to be. He proceeded to come into my room and show me his card collection, write on a white board in English (at 7 he’s just learning how to write but can read Japanese like a champ!) We had a nice time getting to know each other. He’s super-cute and fun.

Yoshiko got home and made an incredible home-cooked Japanese-style meal. She and Joe cook almost every night, and they are pros. Besides not eating anything here yet that I didn’t like in general, these two have served me some of the best meals I’ve had.

Wow this is so much more like a diary than a fun blog post…

Anyways, Saturday was a day to rest and relax for everyone. I actually did venture out a bit and collected my Japan Rail (JR) ticket for my trip to Kyoto. This involved my second solo trip on the trains and went without a hitch (no pun intended). Sunday we attended his elder son’s basketball game. Students here are VERY involved in their clubs (sports, music, etc.) in their teens and even into their college years. He has chosen basketball. They practice EVERY DAY for hours and hours. The game was interesting for so many reasons. First, I got to see him play, which was the most important part (we talk about basketball a lot during our lessons). But it also gave me a chance to sit, observe, and think about some of the differences I was learning between the American and Japanese (and Indonesian! and Balinese!) cultures. I feel like I could write a book about that already….

We rode bikes to the game – so fun but I haven’t been on a push bike in ages. Thankfully Joe’s elder son has pretty much permanently lent me his bike to get to the subway stations nearby while I’m here. The bike has been a God-send, but my arse is killing me! So then we rode bikes to a ramen place and ate lunch – yummy. Then back to the house where I mapped out my plan to go to Harajuku for the rest of the afternoon.

Here are some photos:

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I didn’t know about the Meiji shrine being in Harajuku, so that was a pleasant surprise and really beautiful – lush and green. Then, after several “drive-bys” I forced my crowd-phobic self into the main shopping street for a look.

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Harajuku in general seems to be the epicenter of “cute.”

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There are lots of girls dressed up like dolls, goths, and any other type of person (and tourist) you can imagine there. I didn’t go into any of the shops because I sniffed out an H&M right outside this shopping street and had my sights set on that. Disappointment ☹ Then I stopped in a pub to have a beer and headed back to Joe’s. I think he was surprised that I had negotiated that trip without even asking him how to get there (I have a couple of great apps on my phone now that are making things a lot easier).

Monday was GAME ON again – we had to get up very early for Joe’s commute to his other job at the beautiful Soka University. This commute involved a 20 minute bike ride, a very crowded train, and a taxi (could have been a bus but we were running a little late).

Soka University has a lot of money because – and I could be telling this all wrong – its affiliation with a religion like the Mormonism of Japan(?!?). I need to ask Joe more about this. The campus was lush and huge with amazing facilities. Students were motivated and again, fun to meet and talk to. The ones I had emailed with were especially talkative. I thoroughly enjoyed them. Two young men took me down to the vending machine to purchase some tea. They told me the tea I wanted was “afternoon tea” but that “it was okay to drink in the morning” – PHEW! Japanese people are really gracious like that, and I always think it’s cute. Lots of cuteness here….

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With more help from Joe I found my way back to his house, changed clothes, and headed out on the bike for a little while, kind of just exploring his neighborhood. Came home to another beautiful home-cooked meal, helped his young son with his Japanese writing homework (does that one look like that one? Giggle giggle.) And crashed hard.

Tuesday I met Joe at the first university to interact with more students with whom I’ve been emailing. They were lovely and very talkative once they got over their initial shyness. Topics were/ are all over the place, including “what do you want to be re-born as?) Clever, bright students!

I ventured down to Asakusa after the uni just to look around. Saw a temple.

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This is a really big tourist area, but it was almost empty when I was there. It’s rainy season right now and so the weather is unseasonably cool and perfect for sightseeing. I looked at all the trinket shops to see what I might buy for friends but didn’t buy anything yet. Had an excellent meal and a couple of beers (I’m on vacation!) then headed home.

Today I’m headed to Kyoto – a recommendation of Joe’s students. Another friend recommended the bullet train, from which I am writing this right now. It’s raining quite a bit and I’m a bit concerned that it will be raining the whole time I’m there, but honestly I don’t care. The cooler weather has been an amazing break from the heat of Bali. And the bullet train is so cool! My friend Rika, who I hope to see when I get back from Kyoto, made sure I bought my bento box (lunch) and a can of beer for the train so I could do like all the Japanese do:

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She was right! Great call!!!

In all, when I first got to Japan I was crazy worried that it would be as difficult for me to navigate/ negotiate as China. But it has been the exact opposite. Joe’s and his family’s hospitality has MADE this trip. I’m slowly learning to ask people for help (and they are ALWAYS helpful) and finding my way.

Kyoto is the next adventure. I hope it won’t be too long before I have time to blog again. Thanks for reading!

Posted in Asia, blogging, English teaching, Heather Boylan, learning curve, scared shitless, teaching English, travel, travel writing, traveling with Heather, travelwithheather, Uncategorized, writing | Leave a comment

Welcome Back!

IMG_1412Welcome back! As you can see, it’s taken me more than three years to get back to writing here. I could make a million excuses but I’ll boil it down to just these two:

1) The last post I wrote was extremely emotional. It was a mind- and heart-dump of colossal proportions. After that one, I felt spent, empty, and worn out. Hence, no blogging.
2) My “theme” (AKA layout) got completely screwed up after a WordPress update. I asked a few “experts” to look into fixing it for me, but no one was able to find this ridiculously small problem. This technical difficulty, paired with excuse number one, made me frustrated enough to procrastinate the writing part. I brainstormed MANY ideas for posts but could never get down to the writing. Then, just last week, I used a service called Fiverr (fiverr.com) and paid just $5 to have my theme problem identified and fixed. Then I tweaked a few things that I knew how to do myself and VOILA! Here we are! Back in business!!!

I want to say a huge “thank you” to all the people who wrote, both publicly and privately, about my last post. Your outpouring of support, empathy, and encouragement got me through what would turn into a pretty challenging time. Lots has happened since May of 2012, both good and bad. That’s the way life works, though, so now it’s time to reflect, regroup, and start sharing again. I am looking forward to getting back to traveling, to pushing myself, and to really living once more.

So, as a teaser, here are some of the topics I have in mind:
1) Transitions: tourist to expat; married to single; homeowner to homeless in the USA; young-ish to middle-aged. Too many transitions to mention here!
2) Challenges of living in a foreign country, in particular in Indonesia/ Bali: language; making friends; cultural ignorance; visas and doing business; distance from “home;” starting over.
3) Building a business alone from scratch.
4) My cats (had to get that one in here!)
5) My feet – because they have also starred on m Facebook page and have influenced a great deal of this journey.
6) Tropical diseases: skin conditions; mosquito-borne ailments. You know, just to keep it real and disgusting.
7) Health care.
8) My latest travel adventures: last weekend was in Bali, but I will travel to Japan at the end of June for work/ pleasure. That will be quite a trip, I think!

I hope you will continue to follow my adventure as it takes a different turn. My friends both far and near are an incredible lifeline. Every day you help me scare away the lonely monster and find the courage and strength to persevere. Thank you again for your continued care and support!

Posted in aging, Bali, blogging, English teaching, growth, Heather Boylan, Indonesia, lessons, marriage, marriage separation, mid-life crisis, reality, reality check, scared shitless, southeast asia, teaching English, travel, travel writing, writing | Leave a comment

A Melancholy Celebration of Twenty Years of Marriage

A few times in my life I’ve had a pit in my stomach; a feeling that things were about to change in ways I couldn’t dream of, with experiences I couldn’t fathom. When Tom left Nha Trang, Vietnam last May after we celebrated our nineteenth wedding anniversary, I had this kind of feeling.

No, it wasn’t just my traveler’s belly, though that was part of it. I was indeed very sick. But I CRIED tears of heart-sickness and dread when he left. He doesn’t know this, but I had a suspicion that my (and our) life was about to change. A lot. And I was terrified.

I traipsed around Vietnam a little longer than I needed to, basically sight-seeing and killing time until my first teacher training gig in Bintan, Indonesia. Traveling solo has become comfortable to me in the prior two years, and Vietnam was feeling familiar: safe, but still fun and boundary-stretching.

When I got to Indonesia something happened inside of me. For one thing, I couldn’t believe I was there, volunteering to do what I loved, with a receptive, dynamic group of young teachers who hung on every word and theory I threw their way. But there was something about Indonesian hospitality that FLOORED me. Bintan is a sleepy little town. The locals often said, “hello” to me, which didn’t mean “what can I sell you?” This was a new thing – after being a tourist for months in the summer of 2010 and again in May and half of June, 2011, I was, by contrast, almost an honorary community member in Bintan – the only bule (Indonesian word for tourist) not staying at the DoubleTree or ClubMed. And I was doing something for the community.

Aren't We a Handsome Group?

Tana Toraja also blew my mind. My hostess there, Merda, showed me so many different parts of her community; explained to me so many things that I’d need to know about Indonesian culture, customs, people, etc. And her sense of humor kept me laughing for hours of long, winding car rides through the lovely hills of Sulawesi. Training ninety teachers was more of a challenge than I imagined I’d experience there, but it was – thankfully – a success.

The Gorgeous Landscape Around Tana Toraja

In Bintan and Toraja I asked my new friends where to travel in Indonesia. I was going to stay until early August which gave me a month of time to see other parts of the country. I wanted to go to Bali, but I didn’t think I’d like it very much. Lombok looked appealing; Sumatra and Lake Toba were on my radar; the Kimodo dragons and Flores were in the tentative plan as well. But I didn’t have a plan for more than a week after arriving in Bali. Time and time again, when I said I only wanted to stay in Bali for a week, people said that they thought I would love it there and want to stay longer. Heh!

Bali – specifically Kuta – and the friendly people I met there; the Hindu religion; the Balinese culture; the raunchy tourist scene – it all just kind of took me away from reality. Going back to the US became less and less of a priority, and I extended my stay. I left Bali for some short trips to the Gili Islands, Nusa Lembongan, and Jogjakarta, but for the most part I hung out with a group of new very close friends – Indonesian and international – that I met right on the beach in Kuta.

Rika and Some Friendly Soldiers

The first time I left Bali was one of the saddest days of my life. I remembered feeling like this in 2005 when I left Costa Rica after a five-week trip that had first awakened my thirst for solo travel. I felt like I was leaving a HUGE part of myself behind – I had so much unfinished “business” there. I was SICK with grief.

I came home and within a week was on a plane back to Bali. I’ve written about this in my blog already.

All of this leads up to the question, “What about Tom?” It’s a good question, and it’s the relevant one here. I’m sure many of you have wondered about this and been too polite (or scared?!?) to ask.

Before I start the difficult part of this story, I have to preface by saying that the twenty years of marriage Tom and I now celebrate have been full of incredibly happy times – a half-lifetime of amazing adventures that will always be bright spots in my mental scrapbook.

Too Many Good Captions for This One...

We have lived in some incredible places; made scores of caring friends; traveled to many corners of the earth; and laughed and cried together at life’s absurdities and tragedies. We shared two amazing dogs

Puck and Sadie

and a crazy cat.

Kaya

Together, in Eldorado Canyon, we learned to rock climb. We learned how to snowboard together at Winter Park, eventually making careers out of the sport.

We made good and bad financial decisions together; we had countless fun nights “out on the town” in cities around the US and the world; and we celebrated many birthdays and anniversaries together.

But what most people don’t know is that Tom and I struggled in our relationship for a long time. In a way we were taught our whole lives, we kept that struggle, for the most part, private – our closest friends had some idea of what was going on, but for the most part friends and family were in the dark.

Happy on the Outside in Cancun

We tried marriage counseling in 2000 (twelve years ago!!!) in Summit County. I will tell you honestly that that “counselor” did more damage to my psyche in a few short meetings than I could have possibly imagined. She “sided” with Tom, citing my “depression” as “reason” for most of our problems. I think Tom was as surprised by this as I was; it definitely impeded our progress.

After one particularly difficult session with her our marriage counseling was over. I vowed never to do it again, and I stubbornly kept my word.

We maintained peace in our relationship, self-medicating with alcohol and basically disconnecting from one another. During this time I also received treatment for depression, anxiety, and ADD from a brilliant psychiatrist whom I would later travel nearly 100 miles from Denver to see.

Meanwhile, Tom and I basically led separate lives when I got a job at a college in Denver and he remained in Summit County. I came home on the weekends and we spent time together as “friends.” We laughed together; we could hang out and enjoy each other’s company for hours; we have almost identical outlooks on politics, values, and just about any other polarity issue a couple could debate. But the “spark” that we both needed had left our relationship years prior and we knew it. We both lived in a kind of personal sad space about this fact for a LONG time.

Probably Just Daydreaming, but Maybe a Little Sad

We attempted to fill those sad spaces with moves; travel; hockey games and other spectator sports; and more travel. We did things together; we did things apart. We plodded through a couple of marriage “self-help” books together. We both grew, but definitely NOT together.  We had some amazing times together, and we had some horrible times together. Thankfully the horrible times were few, and most of them were behind closed doors. When we pushed each other as far as we knew the other would go it got ugly.

In a way, I think I hoped Tom would leave me – that my behavior would be so incomprehensibly terrible that he would just walk out one day and our marriage would be “over.” Though I can’t say I ever really behaved in such a way that he – honorable man who he is – would ever leave in this way, I certainly tested him. And he tested me…

When I started traveling alone for longer periods of time in summer of 2010, I spread my wings in a way I hadn’t in years. It felt GREAT to push my personal boundaries through solo travel. I found reserves of energy, power, and strength I’d forgotten. On my own.

Fun With Self-Portraits at The Great Wall

I came back to Colorado for one more winter, working at Beaver Creek with reckless abandon in order to save up for more Asian adventures the following summer. Tom and I co-existed peacefully – even got along. It was a good winter…

I Even Got to Be a Beaver Creek Poster Girl

When I fell in love with Indonesia and its people, I realized that while I LOVE Tom with all my heart and soul and always will, I have to love MYSELF more.  The thing missing from “us” hasn’t been “us” at all – it’s been “me.”

Throughout my life I’ve looked to outward sources for gratification, love, affection, and even for how I should feel about myself. Any “normal” adolescent or young adult learns that this outward gratification is not what we truly need to grow and self-actualize.

But I kind of lost myself during this time.  I was definitely lost in my career; I was lost in depression and anxiety; and I drifted through my life, more as a spectator than “actor.”

When I returned to Denver last fall – first for a week, then for six weeks, Tom and I had many, many conversations about our relationship. He shared with me that a counselor he’d seen a few summers ago told him that, in her opinion, if he left me that I would kill myself. (Can you see how counselors have consistently fucked with our minds?) This was at the same time I was basically daring him to leave me. He (and I, deep inside) knew that we needed to separate then, but his fear of my self-destruction and my fear of being alone prevented us from acting on this need.

Meanwhile, we were, in a very different way, subconsciously acting on this need by emotionally detaching even more, and creating long physical separations through solo travel. Admittedly, my solo travel was more extensive, but Tom did plenty on his own – and certainly didn’t mind so much when I was gone. As we grew within ourselves through these separations, we grew more and more apart. What had been a double-track path in the same direction now became a true fork in the road, each of us choosing to travel in our own separate direction.

Finally, last fall we made the IMPOSSIBLE decision to free each other by “officially” separating.

Shortly after this huge life change I plunged into the deepest depression I’d felt in YEARS. It was a dark time for me. While, again, I needed to keep it together on the surface to finish a job I’d taken on and to get ready to “move” to Bali, I was gutted inside. I know Tom was as well, though he seemed to take it better than I did. And I was the one who had chosen to move!

Maybe I chose to move 8000 miles from Denver in an attempt to run away from my life and the realities I find painful. I have definitely had to do less “facing reality” (i.e. questions about our relationship from colleagues, friends, and family) than Tom has in the last six months. I am proud of him for so many reasons – but mostly for the integrity, strength and courage he has shown in this situation.

But what I’ve realized in my time away is that our painful realities travel right there with us. They’re like ticks – hitchhikers that suck our blood and hang on, feeding on our souls until we burn them off.

While I’ve definitely grown on my own here in Bali, my demons continue to haunt me. I’m also struggling to listen to my inner voice which is remarkably correct 99% of the time, but which I question CONSTANTLY with negative self-talk and criticism. I’m learning how to tell that voice to simmer the hell down, and killing those demons with joy. I’m finally starting to find the inner peace I’ve sought.

I have craved the catharsis of “coming clean” about a “hidden” part of this story for a long time. It’s my hope that by sharing more with those of you who have cared about me and my escapades enough to read along and wonder will find an interesting new dimension to my adventure.

Of course, there is a lot more to this story than I’ve explained here. For now this is what’s important to share.

Do I miss Tom? Of course. I miss the familiarity of having a best friend by my side every day. I miss the ease and comfort of hanging out with the only person who has ever really understood me – and loved me anyways:) I miss his humor; his calmness; his organizational skills; I even miss the things about him that used to drive me crazy.

But we know that being together right now is not the best thing for either one of us.

This story has always been about bravely exploring the word – finding my life’s true purpose and meaning while making a positive dent SOMEWHERE. But it’s really been – and will continue to be – about bravely confronting and re-connecting with my heart and soul.

To Tom: I love you and I always will. You’re my rock. Thank you for being in my life for the last 22 years; and thank you for letting me go, and for having the courage to free yourself. I look forward to growing old together as the best of friends – still sharing life’s challenges and joys as we always have. You are an incredible person who I feel lucky and blessed to know and love. xo -Heather

Always and Forever...

Posted in aging, Asia, Bali, blogging, growth, Heather Boylan, Indonesia, Lake Toba, learning curve, lessons, marriage, marriage separation, mid-life crisis, reality, scared shitless, snowboard instructor, southeast asia, Sumatra, travel, travel writing, traveling with Heather, travelwithheather, Uncategorized, writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 33 Comments