Today I am 6 months/ 184 days sober
May 23, 2019, was not an eventful day, really. It was a month before I was to travel to the US to meet some of the siblings I’d just found through ancestry.com (I have NINE) and my birth mother. I was planning on spending time with them and my adoptive family, and to spend The Fourth of July with a dear friend in the house I had bought in January.
I thought about myself and my drinking, which had, admittedly, taken too big a place my life again. I quit drinking for 8 months a few years ago and knew it was a good thing for me. I also knew that I wanted to be able to “live in the moment” on this trip, and to be able to remember and take in everything I experienced. The only choice in my mind was to quit drinking – at least for the time up until and through the trip. What I would do after that could be decided later.
I found Annie Grace’s “The Alcohol Experiment” quite by accident, and I’d also explored “One Year no Beer”. I liked the positive spin each “program” and community took towards taking a break from drinking. I signed up for Annie’s 30-day Alcohol Experiment, listened to her audio book, and dove in. I joined some Facebook communities that focused on The Alcohol Experiment and some other aspects of sobriety. They have all been a great support.
Honestly, the first 30 days and the experiment were easy. I stayed busy, worked through my drinking triggers, and focused on the benefits this break would bring. And the benefits were great. My performance in the gym improved dramatically; my appearance improved; my mood improved; my productivity and job performance were amazing – all the benefits I thought would be there were there, in abundance. One day I even remember thinking (and this is loosely based on a line I use in weddings) “I’m finally becoming the person I’ve always wanted to be.” And I meant it. So I made it through the 30 days and beyond with little effort.
The trip to meet newly found family members was incredible. I met people I had things in common with for no reason other than genetics and a 50-year-old shared back-story – me. We could not be more different, but our commonalities were uncanny, and our bonds were instant. My adoptive family was supportive, and traveled to California to meet my birth father’s family. In Denver, my birth mother and I talked and bonded for hours in a way I’d not imagined was possible. I spent time with my dearest friends in Colorado, and just had an amazing time. It was incredible how easy it was to “live in the moment” and not think of the cares that awaited me back in Bali. They didn’t matter. I’d never been able to really do this before.
I returned to Bali and was happy to be home – elated from the trip and how well it had gone. Enjoyed being back to “my life” and even my job. Loved spending time with my furries. Then things started to hit me: I was dreaming CRAZY vivid dreams every night about everything and anything you could imagine. I started journaling a lot, and wrote them down every morning – WOW. I went off the small dose of anti-depressant I’d been taking for years, and that was a physical challenge. Withdrawal was not nice, but I felt like I was ready. And then the emotions started to become very real, and very big. The dreams were a way to process those and my experiences with my family, but there was so much more. When I felt anger, it was physical, not just mental. When I felt anxiety, it was overwhelming. When I felt sadness, I could be on the brink of tears all day, or for days. And when I felt happiness, it was a joy I’d not experienced in such a long time that it was foreign, and felt almost euphoric. THESE were the emotions I’d been drinking away for years. They were scary, and they were so, so real, and so uncomfortable. I didn’t know what to do with them.
I shared this experience with a friend who has also been through this journey. He assured me this experience was a totally normal part of recovery, but that it was something I needed to power through. Going back to drinking would just postpone the need to go through this all over again in the future – I could learn how to cope with my emotions now, or I could learn later. Or never, if I chose to drink my life away.
I carried on with the journaling, read some “quit lit” and self-help, and found some podcasts that I really liked. I continued to enjoy great success at work, which was new – I’d always thought drinking made me better at my job – NOPE!
In November I went on a work trip to Thailand with colleagues, many of whom drank little or not at all. It was great to be able to live in the moment again while traveling – taking things in in a way I hadn’t before (I’d already been to Thailand three times, but always in a fog of alcohol).
I’ve now experienced holidays/ vacations sober, and I can say that I like them. I’m processing my emotions in better ways, and learning to ride through them – notice and validate them, but then watch them as they also recede. Life isn’t easy (I wasn’t living the illusion that quitting drinking would make it so), but it’s manageable. I have some HUGE decisions to make in the next couple of months, and a health concern that will require some management, and I’m okay with both of those things. Not scared, not anxious, kind of excited to see where the next phase of this life takes me.
Lessons learned:
1. Freeing up headspace taken up by thoughts of drinking is liberating.
2. Freeing up time taken up by drinking is a bit scary. Boredom is real. I need some new hobbies, friends, pursuits, etc.
3. Emotions are also a bit scary, but manageable. The ups and downs of life are part of the human condition.
4. When I stopped drinking, I noticed that people around me, or people who came into my life, really didn’t drink that much, if at all. Meeting other sober, almost-sober, and mindfully drinking people has been refreshing and encouraging.
5. I’m still prone to depression and anxiety, and probably always will be. I need to find ways to deal with both of these that don’t involve drinking or drugs. Journaling is good, and I’ve found some good podcasts. But this will be an ongoing challenge. I’m up for it!
